Aries: It’s time to stop mindlessly swiping on Tinder to meet your special someone, Aries. It needs to stop, and will probably not give you the results you’re hoping for. Have you thought of going on a blind date?
Taurus: You will learn a hard lesson this week, Taurus. Your significant other has no desire to play Dungeons and Dragons with you. It will be hard to accept, but you will accept it soon enough.
Gemini: Your love for Italian dressing is getting a bit weird, Gemini. It’s one thing to put it on your salad, but we’re drawing the line at dowsing your ice cream in it. There are other great toppings out there.
Cancer: Big life changes are coming your way, Cancer. You will embrace a new minimalistic lifestyle. Make sure you do it correctly, so you don’t end up wearing the same shirt everyday. You’re supposed to be simplistic not dirty.
Leo: You’ll catch a much needed break this week, Leo. Remember those plans you made with that sort-of friend from high school to ‘catch up’ that you forced yourself to make? Well they’re going to cancel on you. You’re welcome.
Virgo: Forgiveness is a vital part to a happy life, Virgo. It may be difficult, but you need to forgive Samantha from the third grade for stealing your colored pencils. We know it’s hard, but it is time to move on.
Libra: We know your secret, Libra. Don’t worry, no one will find out that on your resume you said you know how to use Microsoft Excel. No one can truly use Excel, it’s pretty much impossible. If someone says that they’re lying.
Scorpio: Troubles in your love life, Scorpio? We have the answer. It’s not a great one, but it is pretty effective. Just eat your body weight in cheesecake. Then you’ll be more upset that you ate that much cheesecake instead of your love life.
Sagittarius: Confusing times are going to approach you, Sagittarius. Kind of like when a PC user tries to use a Mac for the first time. So yeah, pretty confusing. But with time and patience, you overcome the confusion.
Capricorn: Good for you on trying to be healthy, Capricorn. As you have already discovered, staying hydrated is actually really annoying. Running to the bathroom every hour gets old pretty fast. Keep up the good work!
Aquarius: Hate to break it to you, Aquarius, but you really do need to update your phone eventually. It’s probably not good you have avoided updating your phone for two years. Good chance things may have changed for the better.
Pisces: There are some dreams in life that you need to learn to let go of, Pisces. One of those dreams is learning to play the recorder. If you didn’t learn in elementary school, you probably won’t now.
