Here are your weekly horoscopes in the form of Lonely Island songs.
ARIES
Who said we’re wack? You said we’re wack?
You take it back! Who said we’re wack?
You talkin smack? You’re gonna get smacked!
(You sayin that I’m wack but it just ain’t so)
TAURUS
Talk to corporate (like a boss)
Approve memos (like a boss)
Lead a workshop (like a boss)
Remember birthdays (like a boss)
Direct work-flow (like a boss)
My own bathroom (like a boss)
Micro-manage (like a boss)
Promote synergy (like a boss)
GEMINI
We like sportz and we don’t care who knows
From the pregame jokes to the wrap-up show
We like sportz and we don’t care who knows
Football Football Football. Tennis. Hockey. Golf.
CANCER
Reach for the stars!
You stand on a distant planet
Skyline of red plateaus
Strange air and vegetation
You’re a winner!
LEO
Well I’m a hustler, that’s just what I do
I’m always hustling on the avenue
I can sell water to a whale
Or even a shell to a snail
I’m a hustler, life of a hustler, that’s me
I’ve been this way since I came out my mama’s puss
I’m always thinking of a scheme
VIRGO
Well, we got a new dance so get up on your feet
It’s real easy to do, and it’s called ‘The Creep’
Let your hands flap around like a Marionette
Pop your knees up and down, sh-sh-shaking your neck
LIBRA
I’ve got it all and I’m gettin’ more
But I never fall, beat ’em all
Cause you know I’m so humble
I’m so humble, I’m so humble
I’m a superstar, I kick down the door
SCORPIO
A snow white dove in the pitch black night
A rain drop falls from tremendous heights
A wave crashes off of a cliff in Scotland
A child bites an apple, but the core is rotten
TV is free, but what is the cost?
We have GPS and yet, we’re still lost
SAGITTARIUS
The house of pancakes is my favourite place
I love the booth seating
And I love-a the taste
My Andros are part of a nutritious breakfast
My necks so big that it broke-a my necklace
CAPRICORN
Because, Cool guys don’t look at explosions
The flames are hot but their heart is chilled
Walk fast from the boring explosion
AQUARIUS
I don’t know why but today seems like it’s gonna be a great day!
There’s something in the air that makes me feel like things are gonna go my way
The birds are chirping tweedly-deet, the sun is shining bright!
There’s a skip in my step, a pip in my pep and I don’t know why!
PISCES
So much pain, so many struggles
But I made it through
I bought the house, it’s beautiful
And I kept the old one for my dogs
Sometimes it just works out
